PHIL FITZPATRICK

WHEN WE ASKED the Australian government, via the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade, for a few dollars to help out with the printing of the Crocodile Prize Anthology, it said:

“Um, er, we’re in the middle of filling out our latest travel allowance claim and we need to finalise next month’s bookings at the Crowne Plaza and someone has to pick up our fifteen new Land Cruisers; could you ring us back in a year or two, someone might be able to help you out then?”

Fair enough, we thought, those poor people are obviously being run off their feet; we’ll try the PNG government.

We had a bit of trouble at first.  When we rang the phone kept ringing out.  We asked a few people about this and were told that either the telephone had been disconnected because no one had bothered to pay Telikom or the people on the other end were out to lunch.

Strange, we thought, why would the whole government be out to lunch between 10am and 3pm?  We’d better try ringing early.

When we finally got through the nice gentleman on the other end said, “Yes, what do you want, I have to go to lunch shortly.”

“Is this the PNG government?” we asked.

‘That’s right, what do you want, I’ve got to go soon?” he replied.

“Who are we speaking to?” we asked.

“It’s Akis!” he replied.

We explained our request to Akis.

“No worries wantok,” he replied, “how much do you want?”

We named a figure.  The line went quiet for a while and then Akis told us what 10% of our figure worked out at and gave us an address in Hohola to which we should mail the money – in cash please.

“What about if we just buy you lunch next time we’re in Mosbi?” we replied.

“Okay, Akis said.  “Send in your submission and we can discuss it then.”

We sat up burning the midnight oil for a few days and came up with what we thought was a well argued, detailed and succinct submission.  We added a draft copy of the Anthology and mailed it off to Akis at his Hohola address.

A month or so later we met Akis in the Crowne Plaza.  He ordered a huge lunch and we watched him consume it with great relish.  He then called for another Crown Lager and half a dozen plastic containers and loaded the leftovers into them.  “For the family,” he said, “can’t waste good food.”

When we had paid the rather expensive bill we asked him about our submission and what he thought about the draft Anthology.

“I’m sorry, but we can’t fund it,” he replied.

“Why not?” we asked.

“Well, there’s the matter of the outstanding 10% commission; my boss said we couldn’t entertain your submission without some incentive; besides we’re both behind in this month’s dinau.”

“Who is your boss, by the way?” we asked.

“This week it’s, er, John, I think,” Akis replied.

“Didn’t you like the Anthology either?” we asked.  “We thought it is rather good.”

“Well, it is okay, I suppose,” Akis replied.

“Okay?” we replied.

“Well, it doesn’t mention either me or John and there is nothing in it about how wonderful and generous Peter and Michael are.”

“We suppose we could mention you all?” we replied.

“You’d better say something about Belden too, just in case, if you know what I mean, and maybe Jeffrey, otherwise he’ll get stroppy and sue you.”

“What do you reckon we should say?” we asked.

“Well, Belden likes people to acknowledge his generosity and vision and nobility and kingly qualities and ….”

“What about Jeffrey?” we asked.

“He likes his rugged good looks mentioned,” Akis replied smiling into his hand.

“What else do we need to do?” we asked.

“Well, you need to do a bit of editing; some of those people in there are not saying very nice things; that Namorong person and Nou Vada and maybe that Dom person; we’re not keen on that Kitchnoge person either; and all those women whinging about being beaten up and raped, that had better go too.

“It might be best just to leave them all out I think,” Akis said and then burped before signalling a waiter for another Crown Lager.

“Um, we might get back to you Akis,” we said, “maybe after the elections.”

“Sure!” Akis replied.  “I’ll still be here; I’m not sure about John or Belden or Jeffrey though.  Maybe we can have lunch again?”