PETER KRANZ

AFICIONADOS OF CONAN DOYLE may have heard of the Giant Rat of Sumatra, "a story for which the world is not yet prepared."

But I am privileged to tell you today of the Giant Rat of Mosbi. So get prepared….

I saw the Giant Rat face-to-face, and although I met him mano-a-mano and was petrified, I stood my ground, and lived to survive.

The tale begins thus...

I had been living with Rose, my lovely Simbu wife for two years. Now Mosbi is pretty hot, so you don't wear many clothes whilst sleeping. In fact none.

Well we had gone to sleep one hot Mosbi night and were dreaming dreams around midnight (which shall not be told for sake of the children) when I was awoken by a scratching on my feet.

"Rose, stop it!" But she did not respond and the scratching continued.

I eventually realised that this was something else and jumped up out of the bed and peered down to where my underpants would normally have been.

A giant rat squeaked at me from my bedclothes, and ran out the door.

"Rose, Rose - we have a problem!"

So my better half was roused from slumber.

She surveyed the situation, saw two gleaming red eyes in the corner of the bedroom and said, "It's a big rat!"'

And so it was. I'd often wondered why there was a square metre hole cut in the floor of my kitchen, where I choose to put the fridge, and realised it was a perfect rat flap. The bugger had crawled up in the night and had the temerity to enter our bedroom.

I turned the light on, and saw it cornered. It was the size of a kitten and its gleaming red eyes stared out at me and offered a challenge. "Catch me if you can!"

And so ensued the Great Rat Race.

Rose - "There are no rats in my house!"

Me - "Get the bugger!"

It led us a merry dance. Around the furniture, into the kitchen, around about the lounge room, even across the walls, and eventually into the toilet, where I slammed the door shut, knowing it had no way out.

I looked at Rose. We were both completely naked, but had no time to lose.

"Grab the broom, I'll get a stick" and so we did - instinct being more important than manners. We rushed into the toilet, slammed the door shut behind us and turned to face the foe.

Rose - "there are no rats in my house!"

Me - "Get the bugger!"

But the rat had other ideas. It ran round and round the skirting boards at supersonic speed, defying all attempts to corner it. We chased it in the confines of the toilet, bits a'flapping.

The things you see when you don’t have a camera!

After about five minutes Rose jammed her broom into the corner and trapped the beast. One swift blow from my stick and he has a late rat. Dead, defunct, pinis.

We were both exhausted, but looked at each other and burst out laughing.

The Giant Rat of Mosbi was vanquished! And we were naked at midnight, sweating profusely and laughing at each other in the toilet!

Goodnight.