Jubilee Australia, Dr Lasslett & questions of good faith
The true meaning of Christmas

At Holmes for the last Christmas

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Christmas GoosePETER KRANZ

"MISTER 'olmes, I'm all tits over arse with this Christmas dinner!"

"Missus Okuk, please modify your depraved tok ples. Now what is the problem?"

"Well, I got me chestnuts, garlic and parsley for the stuffing, and the vegies with sago and taro liked you arsed for the accomplishments.

“And a great Christmas pud from Missus Beeton, but for the life o’ mi, I can’t find a suitable goose! I've tried everywhere!"

"Okuk, I think this is a problem for the inestimable Watson to solve. Call him if you please."

A few minutes later….

"Yes, Holmes, what do you wish me to do?"

"Watson, we have a problem. And remember, a problem is an opportunity."

"OK Holmes, but I am suspicious."

"What did you say?"

"OK…. It’s the latest American vernacular term for yes."

"Hmm, I see you’ve been reading the latest cheap American crime dramas from The Providence Journal."

"Holmes, unfair!"

"Well, OK, as you say. We need to find a Christmas goose. Missus Okuk’s searches have been unsuccessful."

"I'll do my best, but it is only two days before Christmas, and all the local providers have sold their stocks."

"Watson, I have faith in your ingenuity."

So Watson went in search of a goose for Christmas dinner.

Stumbling and cursing, he clambered and crawled his way to the top of a stony ridge and encountered the biggest Christmas goose eyes had ever beheld!

A goose as tall as a man with a fearsome head and mound-like calcification protruding from its skull.

Its neck was a bright blue, its feet large with dagger-like claws sharp enough to eviscerate a rhinoceros.

"Well hell or hades!" muttered Watson, “Holmes can't complain about this”, and he raised his Mauser TuF Gewehr to his shoulder taking careful aim.

A blast like Tavurvur blowing up echoed through the mountains and the great beast tumbled down.  It took Watson and ten carriers to dress it, tie it to a tree trunk and carry the magnificent carcass to their camp.

"Watson, I see you have encountered a fine specimen of Casuarius casuarius,” said Holmes. “Missus Okuk will be pleased."

"Heavens to Betsy, 'ow am I supposed to stuff the bugger!" she complained.

Hardly taken aback by this response, Watson said, "Well how about a dozen coconuts, appropriately inserted?"

Missus Okuk was secretly pleased.

"Doctor you are a card!" she exclaimed, saying she hadn't seen such a splendid a muruk in many a day.

And so the Christmas mumu was prepared and it took a good hundredweight of taro, kaukau, yams and greens to adorn the feast.

"Watson, you have brought us a veritable Roc! Here have a roll."

"Holmes, I think it is a fitting testimony to your Herculean powers to devour Antacus at last."

"Well that remains to be seen. After all heaven can only be conquered by those with the right attitude. A true Papua New Guinean attitude at that."

"Bless you Holmes."

“An 'ooz gonna clean up this mess, asks youse! Talk abaht bedlam in a kai bar," complained Missus Okuk.


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