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Could you become an Aussie? Take our test, oi, oi, oi….


AUSTRALIAN immigration minister Peter Dutton (pictured, bless him) has just announced tighter controls over people seeking Australian citizenship.

My wife Rose applied for citizenship three months ago (and hasn't heard anything yet thanks to the efficiency and alacrity of the Department of Foreign Affairs).

So I thought I’d try my hand at the citizenship test that all applicants have to answer. It's a bit like a cultural driving test.

By the way my family is from Scotland and Germany, and I don't believe either side had to pass a citizenship test.  Indeed my great grandfather couldn't speak English (and was interned in World War I as a possible ‘enemy alien’.)

I don't recall either Scotland or Germany being subject to Australian governance, nevertheless Papua (1906) and later New Guinea (1919) were.

Anyway Rose is from that long lost Australian territory of Papua New Guinea, so she must be subject to a test.

This is despite that fact that, if she had been born south of the Simbu border, she would at one time have been regarded as an Australian citizen.

So let me try some test questions on you.

I have based them on the old Australian test which has just been changed.

These days, to become an Australian (unless you’re born here) you have to demonstrate understanding of Australian values, knowledge of the English language and, unlike our first settlers, that you have no criminal record.

Q 1.  Which of these tenets is an Australian value?

  1. Running concentration camps in other countries for illegal arrivals.
  2. Avoiding tax obligations by keeping your profits in off-shore tax-free accounts.
  3. Working hand in glove with developers to flog off public assets.
  4. Exploiting foreign workers with sham contracts and under-award payments under threats of deportation.
  5. All of the above.

Correct answer - 5

Q2. What is Australia's national sport?

  1. Rugby League
  2. Australian Rules
  3. Soccer
  4. Rugby Union
  5. Fishing

Correct answer - 5

Q3. Who are indigenous Australians?

  1. Andrew Bolt
  2. Tony Abbott
  3. Cory Bernardi
  4. Matthias Corman
  5. None of the above

Correct answer - 5

Q4.  What are liberties?

  1. The values of freedom of expression, belief and lifestyle to which all people are entitled
  2. Same as A except for Muslims
  3. Same as A except for Muslims and Blacks
  4. Same as A except for Muslims, Blacks, Jews and Arabs
  5. Whatever Pauline Hanson decides they should be

Correct answer - 5

Q5.  English language test.  Define 'irony'

  1. Getting creases out of linen using a hot piece of metal
  2. Selling steel to the Japanese so they could make bombers for use against us in World War II
  3. Forcing asylum seekers into a concentration camp on Manus and then telling the PNG people it's their responsibility
  4. Bombing the shit out of Iraq and then telling those fleeing our bombs they can't come here
  5. The Australian citizenship test

Correct answer - 5


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Peter Kranz

The new 'white Australia' language test' from Minister Dutton.

Here are some question from the new Australian citizenship test, 2017.

- On what date did European settlement start?

- When were the colonies united into a federation of states?

- What is the population of Australia today?

- What does the Commonwealth Coat of Arms identify?

- What type of religious heritage does Australia have?

- What is the Australian Electoral Commission?

- How many representatives from each state are there in the Senate?

- What does COAG stand for?

- How many steps does a Bill have to go through to become a law?

- The worldwide coal industry allocates extensive resources to researching and developing new technologies and ways of capturing greenhouse gases. Efficiencies are likely to be improved dramatically, and hence CO2 emissions reduced, through combustion and gasification techniques, which are now at pilot and demonstration stage?

And according to Tony Burke, you might have to know what 'Calisthenics' means and who Herodotus was (actually he was a pretty cool bloke and one of the first historians, albeit 2,500 years ago. What he has to do with Australia is anyone's guess).

(PS. I bet Dutton couldn't answer half of these.)

Paul Oates

Yet if our nation is so bad, the conundrum is: why do people still want to come here?

Answer: It is still better than where they are at the moment.

The reasons for that could be argued 'until the cows come home'.

Peter Kranz

You may be pleased to know that yesterday Rose passed her citizenship test! (Coached by me on the right answers and learning them assiduously.)

And students of the English language will be astonished to hear that Malcolm Turnbull used 'learnings' twice in a media conference yesterday. He must have been taking lessons from Borat.

Mind you, it has some literary precedent.

" The Toad, having finished his breakfast, picked up a stout stick and swung it vigorously, belabouring imaginary animals. 'I'll learn 'em to steal my house!' he cried. 'I'll learn 'em, I'll learn 'em!'

'Don't say "learn 'em," Toad,' said the Rat, greatly shocked. 'It's not good English.'

'What are you always nagging at Toad for?' inquired the Badger, rather peevishly. 'What's the matter with his English? It's the same what I use myself, and if it's good enough for me, it ought to be good enough for you!'

'I'm very sorry,' said the Rat humbly. 'Only I think it ought to be "teach 'em," not "learn 'em."'

'But we don't want to teach 'em,' replied the Badger. 'We want to learn 'em— learn 'em, learn 'em! And what's more, we're going to do it, too!'

'Oh, very well, have it your own way,' said the Rat. He was getting rather muddled about it himself, and presently he retired into a corner, where he could be heard muttering, 'Learn 'em, teach 'em, teach 'em, learn 'em!' till the Badger told him rather sharply to leave off. "

Australia is a better place because people like Rose choose to join us as fellow citizens. PNG Attitude's good wishes to both Rose and Peter - KJ

Philip Fitzpatrick

If they're talking about 'core Australian values' and presumably following the lead set by John Howard I guess they'll also need to define 'non-core Australian values'. As, um, disposable values maybe.

Will someone who is very rich and wants to become a citizen, for instance, really have to be able to speak English that well, or at all?

I bet I know the answer to that.

Chris Overland

I can well understand the cynicism surrounding Malcolm Turnbull's nationalistic chest thumping.

He has seized upon the apparent abuse of 457 visas by his business mates as an excuse to play the last card in a desperate politician's hand, being the nationalist card or, as some would have it, the race card.

It seems to me that there is precious little evidence that toughening the existing Citizenship Test to, supposedly, better reflect Australian values, is going to help to turn immigrants into model citizens.

The much more important thing to do is ensure that prospective immigrants are thoroughly (and fairly) vetted before they are allowed to set foot in the country.

So far as I am aware, it is not new immigrants who have adopted radical religious and political views such as those espoused by the despicable Islamic fascists like ISIS and Al Qaeda.

Rather, it has been home grown idiots with a chip on their shoulder and perilously little common sense who have joined extremist groups or committed terrorist acts.

Despite the problems surrounding the internment of illegal immigrants, Australia has done extremely well in terms of quietly and effectively integrating huge numbers of immigrants into our communities. Perhaps only Canada has a comparable record of achievement in this regard.

This is not to say that everything is wonderful but the overall record is pretty impressive nonetheless.

Sure, there are racists in Australia but their influence is grossly exaggerated both by them and their more vociferous opponents.

If you want to see a genuinely racist society you need only look at places like France or Japan or China where it is exceedingly difficult or impossible to achieve citizenship as an immigrant or refugee.

In this context, Turnbull's latest policy initiative is both largely useless and disingenuous. There are reasonable grounds to believe that he is "dog whistling" to the likes of One Nation supporters and other ultra-nationalist groups.

Given their generally impressive contributions to Australian society, the representative of our various immigrant communities must be both baffled and infuriated by the government's sudden discovery of a muscular variety of Australian nationalism.

Now, if the government can just settle quickly on what core Australian values actually are and how they differ from those in other countries, they can stitch this all up into a neat policy package for the slightly bemused masses.

Good luck with that Malcolm.

Bernard Corden

After nationalism the next step is eugenics and it is quite alarming the amount of money the UK government is providing for gene editing research via the Francis Crick Institute:

It has overtones of Huxley's Brave New World and somewhat ironically it was advocated by many early members of the Fabian Society, including Sidney and Beatrice Webb, Harold Laski, George Bernard Shaw and even Bertrand Russell.

"When Hitler came for the communists, I did not complain because I was not a communist.

"Then he came for the Catholics and Jews and I did not complain because I was not a catholic or Jew.

"Then he came for me and there was nobody left to complain" - Niemoller

Bernard Corden

Dear Phil, I caught Turnbull briefly on TV this morning muttering about values and strengthening borders.

It is quite disconcerting to look at his cabinet ministers and their portfolios. There is not one individual of any stature that demonstrates leadership.

Some may argue that Tony Abbott has the gumption but he dissolved into a gibbering mess on the world stage during his opening speech at the G20 in Brisbane several years ago.

Scomo is semi-articulate and if you removed the word mate from his vocabulary he would be a mute.

Mutton Dutton makes David Beckham appear intelligent and Julie Bishop is merely a flowerpot who sits there looking pretty for the cameras.

Michaelia Cash should team up with John Kerry and put on a real life Punch and Judy show, they are ready made caricatures.

Bernard Corden

It was Einstein who said nationalism is the measles of humankind.

Philip Fitzpatrick

Mutton Dutton is indeed an intriguing character - a sort of Dickensian Australian.

I heard that if they decide to take Malcolm out back and put him out of his misery Mutton is one of the candidates for his job, wouldn't that be fun?

Mutton always brings to mind a poem by that great American writer Stephen Crane (Red Badge of Courage et al):

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

Harry Topham

Peter - Very apt I thought.

On citizenship matters. Back in 1965 when I entered the lottery that no one ever wanted to win, namely the conscription ballot, I was quite pleased that I did not win any of the rewards on offer.

Most of my mates who were not so lucky in the draw were unaware of the default payments that would be extracted later.

On reflection I recall that at that time the only criteria required for any prospective candidates for this Lead Lotto was that any prospective nominee had to be a “British Subject”.

On a more ironical note back then whilst sitting at our tea table in the Weather Bureau discussing this most pressing issue one of our Group quipped.

They won’t be getting this puppy dog.

Why not came back the question?

I am an Aboriginal so we are not required to register.

Quite right as in was not until 1967 that the Oz Constitution was changed to have Aboriginal people included in the Census.

Considering that most of Oz citizens are of recent arrival since the mass immigration programs that occurred post 1945 and as such these new citizens probably believe that Oz history started post 1945, I wonder if there is any one out there that can really define what is the cultural norm that defines Australian culture as thinly alluded to by Uncle Malcolm with convenient omissions of course to any previous unsavoury parts of our history that are unpalatable to modern tastes.

And the winner? Pauline Hansen 1, Malcolm Trumble 0

Nelson Sukwianomb


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